Amen

So it's been an insanely long time since my last post.
Obviously a butt-ton of stuff has happened since then, but most of you probably already know the basics of it.
One not-so-obvious thing that's been going on recently is yet another struggle I've been having, that God and God alone is pulling me out of.
That is, believe it or not, racism and chauvinism.
The belief that one's race or gender is superior to all others.
The belief that one holds in which they are superior to all, by inherently being of a particular ethnicity or sex.
Ever since I dropped off with my blog, I've been feeling ridiculously bitter about so many dumb petty things.
My dad lost his job back in February, I got denied acceptance to both ASU and UNCG, my family life wasn't necessarily at an all-time high, and a slew of other insignificant inconveniences that God intended to be speed bumps, but I turned into road blocks.
any who, all these dumb things really kinda pissed me off.
Night and day, I was filled with an indescribable bitterness and hate that I hadn't felt in a very very long time.
This manifested itself quite clearly in my attitude towards simple everyday things and most definitely in the way I treated and spoke to other people, especially women and those of different ethnic backgrounds than my own.
Things that would ordinarily annoy or tick me off no matter who was at fault would annoy or tick me off ten times more if they were by the cause of a woman or someone of another race.
I heard myself say and think things that I never had any idea resided in my heart and on my mind.
Things I never hope to hear again and that I hope no one ever has to endure.
I used names and words that were one hundred percent intended to hurt people, just to make up for that fact that I had been hurt.
But I think what bothers me the most about all this is the fact that for a long time, I felt absolutely no remorse for intentionally hurting people with the gift of language and diction that God has so graciously blessed me with.
That is, until project serve.
The whole van ride up to Allentown, God kept placing it on my heart that the things I was saying and thinking were wrong and awful and hurtful to His beautiful children.
But I ignored it.
It came up in conversation several times just around camp and our work sites.
But I ignored it.
Pastor Jim even talked about unity in his sermon on Sunday.
But I ignored it.
Finally I heard God tell more loudly than I've ever heard in my life that something absolutely positively had to change about my attitude.
So I talked to some very dear friends of mine about it and we prayed about it.
I'm very pleased to say that God is helping me shove this ignorance and hate out of my heart more and more every day.
But that doesn't mean it's all gone.
I understand that I've got plenty of work ahead of me.
I understand that it's something that only He can help me with.
Not some self- help book recommended by Oprah or a psychologist or even my dear friends.
Just God.
Amen.