...Holy crap...
I am a second semester senior.
My senior year is almost over.
My high school career is almost over.
My public schooling as almost over.
Where did the time go?
For so many years I was so excited, so ready to be a senior, to go to college.
Now I'm scared.
ASU mails me my decision letter tomorrow, and I'm absolutely terrified to receive it.
I mean, best case scenario, I got in.
Awesome.
I'm going to Boone to study Marketing and Spanish, just like I want to.
But in that scenario, I'm leaving so much behind.
A small, but warm house- a home.
Parents that love me more than my tiny little hormone-enraged teenage brain can understand.
A hot meal every night.
Teachers that have literally molded me into who I am.
All the people that have watched turn from an annoying, loud little ankle-biter into the annoying, loud young man that I am today.
Worst case scenario, I didn't get in.
Crap.
I'm staying in Greensboro for at least another few months so I can transfer to app.
I can, at least for a while keep my home, and my hot meals and my loving parents, but all the while experiencing a feeling, however mortal that feeling may be, of being left behind.
feeling like all my peers, my classmates are going somewhere, moving on with their lives...and leaving me in the dust.
I keep having a nightmare of getting my ASU letter, opening it up with a mixed feeling of terror of the unknown, anticipation for the potential, and absolute horror of the worst.
I open up this envelope, and read aloud to all my friends and family members, "Congratulations! You have been granted acceptance to Appalachian State University!...April fools!"
I know this is entirely illogical, but I can't help believing it.
I dunno, I guess we'll cross all these bridges when we get there, but I can't help but feel uneasy.
This was supposed to be extremely short, contrasting to my other, very lengthy, overly-wordy posts in order to emphasize the gravity of my recent realization...but that didn't happen.
Oh well.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Peter Pan
So every one's telling us that we're at a crossroads in our lives.
Every thing's changing.
We're starting all new chapters in our lives.
It's exciting, terrifying, confusing and amazing all at the same time.
I don't even know what the heck a crossroads is, but it doesn't sound like something I want to do.
Throughout my childhood, I was so ready to be a grown-up, or at the very least a teenager.
Everything was going to be awesome.
I'd be able to drive, I'd have a smoking hot girlfriend, I'd be college-bound, if not already there, and everything would be easy, just like in my childhood, when my biggest concern and workload entailed finding the sickest hiding place for hide-and-go-seek.
But now that I'm here, it's not nearly so glamorous as it was in my daydreams.
My childhood fantasies never included struggling with drugs, alcohol, lust or my identity in Christ.
In my daydreams, I knew exactly who I was, and exactly who I wanted to be.
That's not the case, by any stretch of the imagination, now.
I want to go back to those days.
When my most difficult schoolwork was my times tables.
When I could spend the whole day organizing teams for the baseball battle royale that was supposed to go down at recess.
When the new "Pokemon" movie set to release in a few weeks was the biggest part of my life.
I want to go back to those days and be like peter pan; just never grow up.
I want to be a child forever.
No worries, no responsibilities.
It's pretty obvious that this teenage daydream is entirely illogical, as were my boyhood daydreams.
It's funny how we always seem to want something different from what we've already got.
As children, our number one desire is to be a "big kid" and then once we are a "big kid", we realize it's not all it's cracked up to be, and want our childhood innocence and naivety back.
We're never happy right here, right now.
Always either longing or nostalgic.
Maybe one day we'll learn to appreciate what God's given us today.
Where He's placed us and who He's made us, right here and right now.
Every thing's changing.
We're starting all new chapters in our lives.
It's exciting, terrifying, confusing and amazing all at the same time.
I don't even know what the heck a crossroads is, but it doesn't sound like something I want to do.
Throughout my childhood, I was so ready to be a grown-up, or at the very least a teenager.
Everything was going to be awesome.
I'd be able to drive, I'd have a smoking hot girlfriend, I'd be college-bound, if not already there, and everything would be easy, just like in my childhood, when my biggest concern and workload entailed finding the sickest hiding place for hide-and-go-seek.
But now that I'm here, it's not nearly so glamorous as it was in my daydreams.
My childhood fantasies never included struggling with drugs, alcohol, lust or my identity in Christ.
In my daydreams, I knew exactly who I was, and exactly who I wanted to be.
That's not the case, by any stretch of the imagination, now.
I want to go back to those days.
When my most difficult schoolwork was my times tables.
When I could spend the whole day organizing teams for the baseball battle royale that was supposed to go down at recess.
When the new "Pokemon" movie set to release in a few weeks was the biggest part of my life.
I want to go back to those days and be like peter pan; just never grow up.
I want to be a child forever.
No worries, no responsibilities.
It's pretty obvious that this teenage daydream is entirely illogical, as were my boyhood daydreams.
It's funny how we always seem to want something different from what we've already got.
As children, our number one desire is to be a "big kid" and then once we are a "big kid", we realize it's not all it's cracked up to be, and want our childhood innocence and naivety back.
We're never happy right here, right now.
Always either longing or nostalgic.
Maybe one day we'll learn to appreciate what God's given us today.
Where He's placed us and who He's made us, right here and right now.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Haven't Posted In a While...
I've had a lot going on the last few weeks.
Not even sure where to start or what I feel like writing about, right now.
School's kicking my butt.
I had a big scare the a few weeks back that I wouldn't pass two or three of my classes for the semester, which everyone knows can irreparably screw you over, as far as college admissions are considered.
So I've been taking care of that and managed to bring my grades up.
I still am going to have a D in AP English, but it's better than an F.
I don't know why I can't seem to do better in school.
Everybody says I'm way smarter than what my grades say, that I just don't apply myself fully.
I've been told that my entire life, in pretty much everything.
I can do better, I just don't try hard enough.
I'm not entirely sure what the heck that even means, but I guess it must be true, if so many different people have said it.
I don't know why I don't "apply myself".
Maybe I'm scared of what might happen if I do.
Maybe I've just become so used to playing the role of the fool or the average student, that I'm apprehensive to "fully apply myself", because I don't know what it will bring.
I don't know if I really am capable of better grades and whatnot.
I guess that's what worries me.
That I might give it my all and end up in the same place where I was before.
Or maybe that I will legitimately try, and people will realize that I truly am capable of better, and start to expect more and then I'll burn out and get tired of giving it 100% 24/7 and let them down.
I'm terrified of letting people down or disappointing people, including myself.
I get so frustrated when I try and can't do something that I just don't try as hard as I can, and tell people that I could do better, I just didn't feel like it.
I don't know.
I've been working like crazy, and I don't see that slowing down at all, anytime soon.
One girl, who was actually a lot of help- she showed up when she was on schedule, actually worked while she was there, and had no problem filling in for other people so I wasn't always the only one to have to do it- got fired because of some stupid argument with another girl that works there, but it happened outside of work.
So if anyone understands that logic any better than I do right now, please feel free to explain it to me.
Then we had one of our main waitresses evidently quit Thursday night, which I understand, because she's going to go be a nurse.
Cool.
Fine.
But she was on the schedule for last night, our busiest night of the week, when we had a reservation at 7:30, which i found out about at 7:00 for 21 people.
So it was Eddie, Mira, and myself, with the typical Friday night crowd plus 21 and another group of 10 that decided to drop in unannounced.
My job is, by far, the greatest source of stress in my life, but there really isn't anything I can do about it, when I'm at the bottom of the wait-staff totem pole, and people don't understand the concept of scheduling hours ahead of time, so we know who's working and who isn't.
The girl that was supposed to come in last night just never freaking called.
So we were waiting around all night, assuming she'd be a good person and show up.
I guess not.
I'm most definitely FREAKING out about college applications.
I originally got denied from UNCG because the Western Guilford High School Counseling Department decided to screw me over once again and report a bunch of my grades incorrectly.
So I had to basically re-apply to ASU and UNCG, re-submitting my transcripts and a bunch of letters of recommendation, explaining the absurd situation.
So that's over with, but now all I can do is sit around and wait for the schools to tell me if they want me to go there or not.
And I have no clue what I'm going to do, if they both say "No".
There's so much other stuff going on right now, but I either can't express in words what I actually want to say, or I'm too distracted with all this other nonsense that I can't even think of it.
There will probably be a part deux to this post, not sure though.
~Jaypee
Not even sure where to start or what I feel like writing about, right now.
School's kicking my butt.
I had a big scare the a few weeks back that I wouldn't pass two or three of my classes for the semester, which everyone knows can irreparably screw you over, as far as college admissions are considered.
So I've been taking care of that and managed to bring my grades up.
I still am going to have a D in AP English, but it's better than an F.
I don't know why I can't seem to do better in school.
Everybody says I'm way smarter than what my grades say, that I just don't apply myself fully.
I've been told that my entire life, in pretty much everything.
I can do better, I just don't try hard enough.
I'm not entirely sure what the heck that even means, but I guess it must be true, if so many different people have said it.
I don't know why I don't "apply myself".
Maybe I'm scared of what might happen if I do.
Maybe I've just become so used to playing the role of the fool or the average student, that I'm apprehensive to "fully apply myself", because I don't know what it will bring.
I don't know if I really am capable of better grades and whatnot.
I guess that's what worries me.
That I might give it my all and end up in the same place where I was before.
Or maybe that I will legitimately try, and people will realize that I truly am capable of better, and start to expect more and then I'll burn out and get tired of giving it 100% 24/7 and let them down.
I'm terrified of letting people down or disappointing people, including myself.
I get so frustrated when I try and can't do something that I just don't try as hard as I can, and tell people that I could do better, I just didn't feel like it.
I don't know.
I've been working like crazy, and I don't see that slowing down at all, anytime soon.
One girl, who was actually a lot of help- she showed up when she was on schedule, actually worked while she was there, and had no problem filling in for other people so I wasn't always the only one to have to do it- got fired because of some stupid argument with another girl that works there, but it happened outside of work.
So if anyone understands that logic any better than I do right now, please feel free to explain it to me.
Then we had one of our main waitresses evidently quit Thursday night, which I understand, because she's going to go be a nurse.
Cool.
Fine.
But she was on the schedule for last night, our busiest night of the week, when we had a reservation at 7:30, which i found out about at 7:00 for 21 people.
So it was Eddie, Mira, and myself, with the typical Friday night crowd plus 21 and another group of 10 that decided to drop in unannounced.
My job is, by far, the greatest source of stress in my life, but there really isn't anything I can do about it, when I'm at the bottom of the wait-staff totem pole, and people don't understand the concept of scheduling hours ahead of time, so we know who's working and who isn't.
The girl that was supposed to come in last night just never freaking called.
So we were waiting around all night, assuming she'd be a good person and show up.
I guess not.
I'm most definitely FREAKING out about college applications.
I originally got denied from UNCG because the Western Guilford High School Counseling Department decided to screw me over once again and report a bunch of my grades incorrectly.
So I had to basically re-apply to ASU and UNCG, re-submitting my transcripts and a bunch of letters of recommendation, explaining the absurd situation.
So that's over with, but now all I can do is sit around and wait for the schools to tell me if they want me to go there or not.
And I have no clue what I'm going to do, if they both say "No".
There's so much other stuff going on right now, but I either can't express in words what I actually want to say, or I'm too distracted with all this other nonsense that I can't even think of it.
There will probably be a part deux to this post, not sure though.
~Jaypee
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