Haven't Posted In a While...

I've had a lot going on the last few weeks.
Not even sure where to start or what I feel like writing about, right now.
School's kicking my butt.
I had a big scare the a few weeks back that I wouldn't pass two or three of my classes for the semester, which everyone knows can irreparably screw you over, as far as college admissions are considered.
So I've been taking care of that and managed to bring my grades up.
I still am going to have a D in AP English, but it's better than an F.
I don't know why I can't seem to do better in school.
Everybody says I'm way smarter than what my grades say, that I just don't apply myself fully.
I've been told that my entire life, in pretty much everything.
I can do better, I just don't try hard enough.
I'm not entirely sure what the heck that even means, but I guess it must be true, if so many different people have said it.
I don't know why I don't "apply myself".
Maybe I'm scared of what might happen if I do.
Maybe I've just become so used to playing the role of the fool or the average student, that I'm apprehensive to "fully apply myself", because I don't know what it will bring.
I don't know if I really am capable of better grades and whatnot.
I guess that's what worries me.
That I might give it my all and end up in the same place where I was before.
Or maybe that I will legitimately try, and people will realize that I truly am capable of better, and start to expect more and then I'll burn out and get tired of giving it 100% 24/7 and let them down.
I'm terrified of letting people down or disappointing people, including myself.
I get so frustrated when I try and can't do something that I just don't try as hard as I can, and tell people that I could do better, I just didn't feel like it.
I don't know.
I've been working like crazy, and I don't see that slowing down at all, anytime soon.
One girl, who was actually a lot of help- she showed up when she was on schedule, actually worked while she was there, and had no problem filling in for other people so I wasn't always the only one to have to do it- got fired because of some stupid argument with another girl that works there, but it happened outside of work.
So if anyone understands that logic any better than I do right now, please feel free to explain it to me.
Then we had one of our main waitresses evidently quit Thursday night, which I understand, because she's going to go be a nurse.
Cool.
Fine.
But she was on the schedule for last night, our busiest night of the week, when we had a reservation at 7:30, which i found out about at 7:00 for 21 people.
So it was Eddie, Mira, and myself, with the typical Friday night crowd plus 21 and another group of 10 that decided to drop in unannounced.
My job is, by far, the greatest source of stress in my life, but there really isn't anything I can do about it, when I'm at the bottom of the wait-staff totem pole, and people don't understand the concept of scheduling hours ahead of time, so we know who's working and who isn't.
The girl that was supposed to come in last night just never freaking called.
So we were waiting around all night, assuming she'd be a good person and show up.
I guess not.
I'm most definitely FREAKING out about college applications.
I originally got denied from UNCG because the Western Guilford High School Counseling Department decided to screw me over once again and report a bunch of my grades incorrectly.
So I had to basically re-apply to ASU and UNCG, re-submitting my transcripts and a bunch of letters of recommendation, explaining the absurd situation.
So that's over with, but now all I can do is sit around and wait for the schools to tell me if they want me to go there or not.
And I have no clue what I'm going to do, if they both say "No".
There's so much other stuff going on right now, but I either can't express in words what I actually want to say, or I'm too distracted with all this other nonsense that I can't even think of it.
There will probably be a part deux to this post, not sure though.
~Jaypee