So I guess it was back in October when Blake, Peej and I started a sort-of tradition of having an impromptu cookout in the church parking lot every couple Sunday afternoons.
They're always really awesome; we just chill, grill up some burgers and bratwursts, listen to a football game on the radio and hang out.
But yesterday was BY FAR the best one EVER.
At first I was kind of thinking it was going to suck because when we got to Harris Teeter with everyone to buy all the food, I looked around at all the dudes that were there, and it was a bunch of guys that never really hang out with each other, and so I thought it was going to be really awkward.
So we picked out everything that we wanted, headed up to the checkout line and created an absolute debacle trying to figure how to split $60 amongst eleven guys, when a few of them had either only a debit card or no cash at all.
But we finally figured it out and headed back to the church to get the cookout going.
The first few burgers were a little iffy, but they started turning out well, once we got into a groove.
I was working on polishing off the the last of the brats, when we heard the fire alarm for the church go off, turned around and saw Blake walking out the door with a look of absolute horror on his face.
Evidently the smoke from the grill had gotten into the air ducts and set off the alarm.
Some dudes (not firefighters) came by and told us to move the grill farther away from the intake, and we were all good.
Then some of the guys found a huge slingshot in the core room and started firing off our excess coca-cola cans with it.
I was on the phone with Alexis Arkfeld when I almost got nailed with one and let some choice words slip out. (Sorry Alexis!)
We decided to move it to the back parking lot to see just how far we could really launch these bad boys and when we ran out of soda cans, resorted to rocks, a shoe, some cupcakes and...a bottle of urine.
Spencer and I were the guys holding the slingshot when this particular load of vile ammunition was loaded into the slingshot.
Not once was either of us hit with a cupcake, soda can or even a rock.
But I got smacked in the arm with the bottle of my friends' pee.
Awesome.
We later found out that dumping the coals into a storm drain was a terrible idea because there Were dead leaves down there that are evidently highly flammable...whoops...
We got the fire put out, and all was right with the world again.
I think God really surprised me with the amount of brotherhood and fellowship that went on between this group of guys that ordinarily hardly ever talk to each other, and all-in-all, it was a really awesome cookout.
Time for school :(
Bye
Monday, January 12, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
The Future
I've been thinking a lot recently about my future and where I'm headed in life.
I haven't really accomplished much in doing this, because I have absolutely no clue as to what I want to do.
Okay, I want to go to app state to study marketing, but then what?
There are a million different directions in which one can go with a marketing degree.
Do I want to be a realtor?
Do I want to go into advertising?
Do I want to be some pencil-pushing mid-level marketing consultant for some major corporation that will provide plenty of financial stability and security, but will absolutely strip me of any sort of individuality at my job?
I have no idea.
And that's terrifying.
To not know what the heck you want to do.
Not even just in the context of my career, I have no clue what I'm going to do after I'm too old to Be a student at the core, but too young to be a leader.
It's kind of going to to suck.
The core has been the only place in my life where I've really felt at home, where I've really felt like everyone there truly cares about me.
some of the best friends I've ever had, I met at the core.
I don't know if it'll be easy for me to make friends at college, regardless of how many of mine are already planning on going to app, and no matter what they tell you, everyone is afraid that they won't be able to connect with anyone at their new school.
Like my last post, this one doesn't really have a point or even an ending.
There's no ending to this post because I wrote it out of confusion, just trying to get my jumbled thoughts in order.
Not sure if it really did that, but it's whatever.
I'm bored at school and had a lot on my mind that I needed to try and figure out.
There's also no end, because there isn't an end to the confusion and uncertainty that I seem to be experiencing.
whatever, help period is almost over.
Bye.
I haven't really accomplished much in doing this, because I have absolutely no clue as to what I want to do.
Okay, I want to go to app state to study marketing, but then what?
There are a million different directions in which one can go with a marketing degree.
Do I want to be a realtor?
Do I want to go into advertising?
Do I want to be some pencil-pushing mid-level marketing consultant for some major corporation that will provide plenty of financial stability and security, but will absolutely strip me of any sort of individuality at my job?
I have no idea.
And that's terrifying.
To not know what the heck you want to do.
Not even just in the context of my career, I have no clue what I'm going to do after I'm too old to Be a student at the core, but too young to be a leader.
It's kind of going to to suck.
The core has been the only place in my life where I've really felt at home, where I've really felt like everyone there truly cares about me.
some of the best friends I've ever had, I met at the core.
I don't know if it'll be easy for me to make friends at college, regardless of how many of mine are already planning on going to app, and no matter what they tell you, everyone is afraid that they won't be able to connect with anyone at their new school.
Like my last post, this one doesn't really have a point or even an ending.
There's no ending to this post because I wrote it out of confusion, just trying to get my jumbled thoughts in order.
Not sure if it really did that, but it's whatever.
I'm bored at school and had a lot on my mind that I needed to try and figure out.
There's also no end, because there isn't an end to the confusion and uncertainty that I seem to be experiencing.
whatever, help period is almost over.
Bye.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Lust
So I was chilling with some guys today that used to be in a band called "The Morning Amazing".
We used to play shows with them, back when i was in Lumberjack.
I got to thinking, and my mind meandered on over to this song of theirs, called, "The Blackest of Beards".
I'm posting a link with this, so you can read the lyrics.
This song has spoken to me so much, ever since I first heard it.
Not only is it an awesome-sounding song by some really great friends of mine, but it talks about lust and the damage that men do to women when we give into the temptation the Satan gives us to lust after who the media tells us is "beautiful".
This is something I've struggled with overwhelmingly for as long as i can remember.
Something i still struggle with on a daily basis, and something that affects and even sometimes invades every other aspect of my life.
It seems like every time I meet or see a female, I instantly judge her based on my ignorant, childish view of physical beauty.
It's almost become instinct now.
And that kills me.
It kills me when I see some of my most beloved female friends suffering and hurting because of some guy that has treated them poorly because of his own struggles with lust.
It kills me when I want to confront the guy about it, but can't because I know that I've pretty much done the exact same thing to other girls in the past.
It kills me when i want to speak out against lust and pornography but feel as though I'm in absolutely no place to do so, because I struggle with it daily.
It kills me when I struggle with Internet pornography and give in time after time to Satan as he tells me that I'm not good enough before and after I give in to lust.
He takes the difficulties that God places in my life in order to strengthen and empower me, and he twists and perverts them to make me feel like I have no choice but to give in and sin.
Not just to lust, but to do all kinds of the garbage that he throws my way.
He makes me feel like I'm too weak to resist his temptations and that things will be easier once I go ahead and surrender and get that out of my mind.
And then afterward, he makes me feel like I'm worthless.
Like I have no place leading other people to Christ and that I'm even unworthy of God's love.
And that takes such a toll after years and years.
But the thing is, that's exactly what he wants.
Because when I give in to that crap, the simple act of lusting or committing any type of sin, it certainly doesn't bring any sort of glory to God.
But also because I don't feel like I'm in any sort of place to even be worthy of being in the presence of God's love, and that makes me avoid prayer and digging into His awesome word, which is exactly where I should be in times like that.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say with this post.
This is a problem that I'm nowhere even close to solving, and it has been so difficult to write this, knowing that anyone in the world with Internet access could potentially see this and realize that I'm not nearly as perfect as I try to tell others and myself that I am, but I know that writing it will in some way bring glory to God, like when David let the entire nation of Israel know about his affair with Bathsheba and when he killed her husband.
His people saw that he wasn't perfect.
That he was a humble king, not some high-and-mighty dictator, and that glorified God in ways I couldn't even begin to comprehend.
I'm certainly not trying to compare myself with King David, and definitely not saying that I've raped and murdered people and that by posting this, it erases everything that I've done.
But God loves me, no matter what I do.
In ways I could never fully experience or understand.
And that's so comforting.
Good night.
We used to play shows with them, back when i was in Lumberjack.
I got to thinking, and my mind meandered on over to this song of theirs, called, "The Blackest of Beards".
I'm posting a link with this, so you can read the lyrics.
This song has spoken to me so much, ever since I first heard it.
Not only is it an awesome-sounding song by some really great friends of mine, but it talks about lust and the damage that men do to women when we give into the temptation the Satan gives us to lust after who the media tells us is "beautiful".
This is something I've struggled with overwhelmingly for as long as i can remember.
Something i still struggle with on a daily basis, and something that affects and even sometimes invades every other aspect of my life.
It seems like every time I meet or see a female, I instantly judge her based on my ignorant, childish view of physical beauty.
It's almost become instinct now.
And that kills me.
It kills me when I see some of my most beloved female friends suffering and hurting because of some guy that has treated them poorly because of his own struggles with lust.
It kills me when I want to confront the guy about it, but can't because I know that I've pretty much done the exact same thing to other girls in the past.
It kills me when i want to speak out against lust and pornography but feel as though I'm in absolutely no place to do so, because I struggle with it daily.
It kills me when I struggle with Internet pornography and give in time after time to Satan as he tells me that I'm not good enough before and after I give in to lust.
He takes the difficulties that God places in my life in order to strengthen and empower me, and he twists and perverts them to make me feel like I have no choice but to give in and sin.
Not just to lust, but to do all kinds of the garbage that he throws my way.
He makes me feel like I'm too weak to resist his temptations and that things will be easier once I go ahead and surrender and get that out of my mind.
And then afterward, he makes me feel like I'm worthless.
Like I have no place leading other people to Christ and that I'm even unworthy of God's love.
And that takes such a toll after years and years.
But the thing is, that's exactly what he wants.
Because when I give in to that crap, the simple act of lusting or committing any type of sin, it certainly doesn't bring any sort of glory to God.
But also because I don't feel like I'm in any sort of place to even be worthy of being in the presence of God's love, and that makes me avoid prayer and digging into His awesome word, which is exactly where I should be in times like that.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say with this post.
This is a problem that I'm nowhere even close to solving, and it has been so difficult to write this, knowing that anyone in the world with Internet access could potentially see this and realize that I'm not nearly as perfect as I try to tell others and myself that I am, but I know that writing it will in some way bring glory to God, like when David let the entire nation of Israel know about his affair with Bathsheba and when he killed her husband.
His people saw that he wasn't perfect.
That he was a humble king, not some high-and-mighty dictator, and that glorified God in ways I couldn't even begin to comprehend.
I'm certainly not trying to compare myself with King David, and definitely not saying that I've raped and murdered people and that by posting this, it erases everything that I've done.
But God loves me, no matter what I do.
In ways I could never fully experience or understand.
And that's so comforting.
Good night.
A New Year, Many New Things To Come
A lot of people have been asking me if I'm okay, in reference to my previous post.
I'm great, I just had some stuff I needed to get off my chest.
Just to clarify- that wasn't about any one girl in particular, that was a lot of stuff that I've dealt with and done over the past several years, including the time before I knew Christ.
It was about several girls.
Every girl I've ever encountered, to be completely honest.
I think the reason that post shocked so many people is because we try to always act like we're okay; like we've got all our ducks in a row, and that every thing's under control.
I mean, that's what society tells us to do.
Especially as men, society has twisted our role as loving leaders to mean that we have to always act like we've got a plan, like we're going to fix everything and make it alright.
Just like women, we men face the albeit less damaging but still dangerous stereotypes that the media and society has told us we have to be.
They tell us we have to be the big strong dad that's always got the suit, tie and briefcase during the week, going to the office everyday to provide for and support the family, and over the weekend we don our jeans, flannel shirt and tool belt to go around the house with our honey-do lists fixing everything- making everything safer, more stable and generally better.
All of this is fine, until we start to obsess over these stereotypes and put every ounce of our being into fulfilling or even epitomizing these roles that we've been told our entire lives that we have to be.
And when we make it known that not everything is perfect, that we're not these big strong I-can-do-anything men, everyone goes into a panic.
This in addition to the fact that I'm not usually the serious guy.
I know good and well that I try to fulfill the role of the comic relief.
Whenever there's an awkward moment or something happens that I can't deal with, I try to laugh it off.
Or at least make everyone else laugh to try and cover up and distract them from the fact that I have no other defense against difficulty or emotions.
I'm always the guy that's in the back of the room at "cry-fest" on project serve that's joking it up or sleeping to distract myself from the people bearing their souls to each other because I don't know what I'd do if I let it get to me.
If I actually took the time to come up with a new year's resolution and stick with it, I guess it would be to be more honest, more real with people.
As I realize how much I value honesty in others, I realize more and more that I'm most certainly lacking in that department, because I'm afraid of what people might think of me, if they saw who I really was.
I use sarcasm and inappropriate humor to build these walls in between myself and my loved ones because I'm afraid of being rejected.
So I guess this year, I'll try to be more real with people.
And this will also reflect onto my blog.
I know those who have been following my blog (which is way more people than I initially thought, by the way) have enjoyed hearing about all the crazy things that happen to me everyday.
my stories about weird creepy old Latina ladies in Buicks and my mom's recent obsession with The Gorillaz, but from now on, my posts and my conversation in general will take a more serious tone.
I'll be more up-front with people about what's really going on inside my head and what God's telling me.
Don't fret, I'll still have crazy stuff happening to me that wouldn't in a million years happen to anyone else on the planet, and I'll post that stuff on here, but when God's really telling me something, I'll set down my stupid Americanized manly pride and be straight with you.
Well, per usual, I typed about thirty times more than I had originally anticipated, but it's whatever.
That's what happens on here.
I start writing and stuff just pours out.
I'm not sure if people even finish reading the stuff I post on here, because it's so long.
Haha.
Whatever, dude.
I got a bunch of crap to do for school tomorrow that I should have been doing over the entire break, but I put the "pro" in procrastinate...yeah, that was a really crappy joke, I know.
Buenas noches, amigos.
I'm great, I just had some stuff I needed to get off my chest.
Just to clarify- that wasn't about any one girl in particular, that was a lot of stuff that I've dealt with and done over the past several years, including the time before I knew Christ.
It was about several girls.
Every girl I've ever encountered, to be completely honest.
I think the reason that post shocked so many people is because we try to always act like we're okay; like we've got all our ducks in a row, and that every thing's under control.
I mean, that's what society tells us to do.
Especially as men, society has twisted our role as loving leaders to mean that we have to always act like we've got a plan, like we're going to fix everything and make it alright.
Just like women, we men face the albeit less damaging but still dangerous stereotypes that the media and society has told us we have to be.
They tell us we have to be the big strong dad that's always got the suit, tie and briefcase during the week, going to the office everyday to provide for and support the family, and over the weekend we don our jeans, flannel shirt and tool belt to go around the house with our honey-do lists fixing everything- making everything safer, more stable and generally better.
All of this is fine, until we start to obsess over these stereotypes and put every ounce of our being into fulfilling or even epitomizing these roles that we've been told our entire lives that we have to be.
And when we make it known that not everything is perfect, that we're not these big strong I-can-do-anything men, everyone goes into a panic.
This in addition to the fact that I'm not usually the serious guy.
I know good and well that I try to fulfill the role of the comic relief.
Whenever there's an awkward moment or something happens that I can't deal with, I try to laugh it off.
Or at least make everyone else laugh to try and cover up and distract them from the fact that I have no other defense against difficulty or emotions.
I'm always the guy that's in the back of the room at "cry-fest" on project serve that's joking it up or sleeping to distract myself from the people bearing their souls to each other because I don't know what I'd do if I let it get to me.
If I actually took the time to come up with a new year's resolution and stick with it, I guess it would be to be more honest, more real with people.
As I realize how much I value honesty in others, I realize more and more that I'm most certainly lacking in that department, because I'm afraid of what people might think of me, if they saw who I really was.
I use sarcasm and inappropriate humor to build these walls in between myself and my loved ones because I'm afraid of being rejected.
So I guess this year, I'll try to be more real with people.
And this will also reflect onto my blog.
I know those who have been following my blog (which is way more people than I initially thought, by the way) have enjoyed hearing about all the crazy things that happen to me everyday.
my stories about weird creepy old Latina ladies in Buicks and my mom's recent obsession with The Gorillaz, but from now on, my posts and my conversation in general will take a more serious tone.
I'll be more up-front with people about what's really going on inside my head and what God's telling me.
Don't fret, I'll still have crazy stuff happening to me that wouldn't in a million years happen to anyone else on the planet, and I'll post that stuff on here, but when God's really telling me something, I'll set down my stupid Americanized manly pride and be straight with you.
Well, per usual, I typed about thirty times more than I had originally anticipated, but it's whatever.
That's what happens on here.
I start writing and stuff just pours out.
I'm not sure if people even finish reading the stuff I post on here, because it's so long.
Haha.
Whatever, dude.
I got a bunch of crap to do for school tomorrow that I should have been doing over the entire break, but I put the "pro" in procrastinate...yeah, that was a really crappy joke, I know.
Buenas noches, amigos.
Friday, January 2, 2009
I Give Up
Whatever, dude.
I give up on the womenfolk.
Every time I try and start something with a lady friend, I usually end up screwing myself over in some way, shape or form.
I get too into her and she doesn't reciprocate and then I make it known to her that I'm interested and she tells me that she doesn't reciprocate and then it's awkward and then we have a short falling out which seems to suck for me a lot more than it does for her and I'm left standing there looking like an idiot.
Either that, or she was at one time interested and the window of opportunity opens and I don't have the balls to do anything about it, and then it shuts and I'm still there looking like an even bigger idiot.
It wouldn't be so bad if I had never been able to get things right.
But I was, believe it or not, at one time, somewhat not terrible when it came to women.
But now, for some reason, whenever I talk to one that I'm remotely interested in, I get all nervous and either make a fool out of myself, or I can't seem to even say a single word, and then it's really awkward.
and if I do somehow manage to not make a complete fool out of myself immediately, then one of the above situations happens.
And it sucks.
I'm done.
I'm done being rejected by any girl that isn't either mentally unstable or over 50 years old.
I'm done looking like an idiot.
I'm done making poor decisions with females.
I'm done missing opportunities.
But most of all, I'm done feeling inadequate because I, for some reason unknown to me, just can't seem to get things right with women.
No one needs that crap.
whatever, dude.
I'm just freaking done.
sorry if I bore/piss off/irritate anyone that's reading this, but I had some stuff I needed to get off my chest.
I give up on the womenfolk.
Every time I try and start something with a lady friend, I usually end up screwing myself over in some way, shape or form.
I get too into her and she doesn't reciprocate and then I make it known to her that I'm interested and she tells me that she doesn't reciprocate and then it's awkward and then we have a short falling out which seems to suck for me a lot more than it does for her and I'm left standing there looking like an idiot.
Either that, or she was at one time interested and the window of opportunity opens and I don't have the balls to do anything about it, and then it shuts and I'm still there looking like an even bigger idiot.
It wouldn't be so bad if I had never been able to get things right.
But I was, believe it or not, at one time, somewhat not terrible when it came to women.
But now, for some reason, whenever I talk to one that I'm remotely interested in, I get all nervous and either make a fool out of myself, or I can't seem to even say a single word, and then it's really awkward.
and if I do somehow manage to not make a complete fool out of myself immediately, then one of the above situations happens.
And it sucks.
I'm done.
I'm done being rejected by any girl that isn't either mentally unstable or over 50 years old.
I'm done looking like an idiot.
I'm done making poor decisions with females.
I'm done missing opportunities.
But most of all, I'm done feeling inadequate because I, for some reason unknown to me, just can't seem to get things right with women.
No one needs that crap.
whatever, dude.
I'm just freaking done.
sorry if I bore/piss off/irritate anyone that's reading this, but I had some stuff I needed to get off my chest.
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