Lust

So I was chilling with some guys today that used to be in a band called "The Morning Amazing".
We used to play shows with them, back when i was in Lumberjack.
I got to thinking, and my mind meandered on over to this song of theirs, called, "The Blackest of Beards".
I'm posting a link with this, so you can read the lyrics.
This song has spoken to me so much, ever since I first heard it.
Not only is it an awesome-sounding song by some really great friends of mine, but it talks about lust and the damage that men do to women when we give into the temptation the Satan gives us to lust after who the media tells us is "beautiful".
This is something I've struggled with overwhelmingly for as long as i can remember.
Something i still struggle with on a daily basis, and something that affects and even sometimes invades every other aspect of my life.
It seems like every time I meet or see a female, I instantly judge her based on my ignorant, childish view of physical beauty.
It's almost become instinct now.
And that kills me.
It kills me when I see some of my most beloved female friends suffering and hurting because of some guy that has treated them poorly because of his own struggles with lust.
It kills me when I want to confront the guy about it, but can't because I know that I've pretty much done the exact same thing to other girls in the past.
It kills me when i want to speak out against lust and pornography but feel as though I'm in absolutely no place to do so, because I struggle with it daily.
It kills me when I struggle with Internet pornography and give in time after time to Satan as he tells me that I'm not good enough before and after I give in to lust.
He takes the difficulties that God places in my life in order to strengthen and empower me, and he twists and perverts them to make me feel like I have no choice but to give in and sin.
Not just to lust, but to do all kinds of the garbage that he throws my way.
He makes me feel like I'm too weak to resist his temptations and that things will be easier once I go ahead and surrender and get that out of my mind.
And then afterward, he makes me feel like I'm worthless.
Like I have no place leading other people to Christ and that I'm even unworthy of God's love.
And that takes such a toll after years and years.
But the thing is, that's exactly what he wants.
Because when I give in to that crap, the simple act of lusting or committing any type of sin, it certainly doesn't bring any sort of glory to God.
But also because I don't feel like I'm in any sort of place to even be worthy of being in the presence of God's love, and that makes me avoid prayer and digging into His awesome word, which is exactly where I should be in times like that.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say with this post.
This is a problem that I'm nowhere even close to solving, and it has been so difficult to write this, knowing that anyone in the world with Internet access could potentially see this and realize that I'm not nearly as perfect as I try to tell others and myself that I am, but I know that writing it will in some way bring glory to God, like when David let the entire nation of Israel know about his affair with Bathsheba and when he killed her husband.
His people saw that he wasn't perfect.
That he was a humble king, not some high-and-mighty dictator, and that glorified God in ways I couldn't even begin to comprehend.
I'm certainly not trying to compare myself with King David, and definitely not saying that I've raped and murdered people and that by posting this, it erases everything that I've done.
But God loves me, no matter what I do.
In ways I could never fully experience or understand.
And that's so comforting.
Good night.