life

sooo i dunno if y'all are christians or not, chances are not all of you are
but i almost lost a true friend this week.
a brother
but God obviously wanted to keep him here.
and i can't stop praising Him for it.
whether you believe in the promise of Christ or not, go right now-
stop whatever it is you are doing.
facebook can wait thirty seconds.
go to the next room, call up an old friend, do whatever.
just tell someone you love them
maybe somebody you might've had beef with recently
maybe somebody you've lost touch with.
maybe somebody that really needs it.
Lord knows my boy needed it.
just tell them how much they mean to you.
and mean it.
bc you don't know if you'll ever see them again.
i can't imagine what it'd be like spending the rest of my time here on earth if my brother didn't know how much he's meant to me
but imma make sure he and everyone else in my life knows how much they mean to me.
life is short
life is precious
don't waste it

God is love,
~JP

Hey Mom? I kinda got hit by a car the other day...

I figured it's been a while since I had a post that's purely for amusement. My first assignment in my Expository Writing class at Good Times Community College was to write about an anecdote. Anything interesting, funny, or peculiar that has happened to us. Having difficulty thinking of anything about me that encompasses any of those three adjectives, I turned to the guidance of Jenna Caroline Neely and she reminded me of this funny little story that happened just a few weeks ago. I suppose it covers all the bases of the assignment. Anyways, here ya go, I guess.





I woke up that morning, ate my usual breakfast of three or four bowls of Apple Jacks, and stood out on the front porch, enjoying a cup of strong coffee, and watching the sunrise. Noticing that it was an exceptionally nice day, and that I had no plans until work at five that evening, I decided to go for a bike ride- something I love to do, but hadn’t had time to do in a while.
So I hopped on my bike, and started heading on down Hilltop Road. Everything was going great- I hadn’t had any huge tractor trailers whizz by be, almost knock me off my bike, hadn’t gotten unbearably tired, and there still wasn’t a cloud in sight. That is, until I got to Guilford College Road. I got my green light and began to pass through the intersection, but there was a huge white construction van in the middle lane, blocking my view of the far right lane and, subsequently, rendering me invisible to anyone in that lane. A car came blazing through the intersection at full speed, ran the red light and then saw me. I squeezed my brake levers as hard as I could, but wasn’t quite able to stop in time and my front tire was hit by the car. I went down, screamed some unintentional obscenities, and moved my bike over to the side of the road so that it wouldn’t get run over and further damaged. I hobbled on over to where the guy had pulled over, just on the other side of the intersection and made sure that his car wasn’t damaged by the accident. He apologized about a million times, made sure I wasn’t injured, apologized some more, and we went our separate ways. I figured there wasn’t any need to call the police, since no serious injuries or property damage had been done, so I fixed my twisted handlebars and continued my ride.
I got about twenty feet down the road when I realized I should probably call someone and tell them I got hit by a car, so I tried to call my dear friend Eric Robert Finch, but he was driving, so his dad picked up. I was already confused by Finch sounding a lot more like his dad than usual, so it was a complete shock when the guy in the white construction van pulled up next to me, got out, and started screaming at me. He said I’d let the other guy off the hook, and I was letting him get away by not calling the police. Not knowing what to do, I hung up on Papa Finch, and tried to calm this man down and assure him that I was alright, as was my bicycle and the other man’s car. Dissatisfied, he shook his head, got back in his car, and drove off.
I’m not sure if this story has any sort of moral, purpose, or underlying meaning other than the fact that my life is ridiculous and not one thing about this story is surprising that it happened to me.

Amen

So it's been an insanely long time since my last post.
Obviously a butt-ton of stuff has happened since then, but most of you probably already know the basics of it.
One not-so-obvious thing that's been going on recently is yet another struggle I've been having, that God and God alone is pulling me out of.
That is, believe it or not, racism and chauvinism.
The belief that one's race or gender is superior to all others.
The belief that one holds in which they are superior to all, by inherently being of a particular ethnicity or sex.
Ever since I dropped off with my blog, I've been feeling ridiculously bitter about so many dumb petty things.
My dad lost his job back in February, I got denied acceptance to both ASU and UNCG, my family life wasn't necessarily at an all-time high, and a slew of other insignificant inconveniences that God intended to be speed bumps, but I turned into road blocks.
any who, all these dumb things really kinda pissed me off.
Night and day, I was filled with an indescribable bitterness and hate that I hadn't felt in a very very long time.
This manifested itself quite clearly in my attitude towards simple everyday things and most definitely in the way I treated and spoke to other people, especially women and those of different ethnic backgrounds than my own.
Things that would ordinarily annoy or tick me off no matter who was at fault would annoy or tick me off ten times more if they were by the cause of a woman or someone of another race.
I heard myself say and think things that I never had any idea resided in my heart and on my mind.
Things I never hope to hear again and that I hope no one ever has to endure.
I used names and words that were one hundred percent intended to hurt people, just to make up for that fact that I had been hurt.
But I think what bothers me the most about all this is the fact that for a long time, I felt absolutely no remorse for intentionally hurting people with the gift of language and diction that God has so graciously blessed me with.
That is, until project serve.
The whole van ride up to Allentown, God kept placing it on my heart that the things I was saying and thinking were wrong and awful and hurtful to His beautiful children.
But I ignored it.
It came up in conversation several times just around camp and our work sites.
But I ignored it.
Pastor Jim even talked about unity in his sermon on Sunday.
But I ignored it.
Finally I heard God tell more loudly than I've ever heard in my life that something absolutely positively had to change about my attitude.
So I talked to some very dear friends of mine about it and we prayed about it.
I'm very pleased to say that God is helping me shove this ignorance and hate out of my heart more and more every day.
But that doesn't mean it's all gone.
I understand that I've got plenty of work ahead of me.
I understand that it's something that only He can help me with.
Not some self- help book recommended by Oprah or a psychologist or even my dear friends.
Just God.
Amen.

2nd Semester Senior

...Holy crap...
I am a second semester senior.
My senior year is almost over.
My high school career is almost over.
My public schooling as almost over.
Where did the time go?
For so many years I was so excited, so ready to be a senior, to go to college.
Now I'm scared.
ASU mails me my decision letter tomorrow, and I'm absolutely terrified to receive it.
I mean, best case scenario, I got in.
Awesome.
I'm going to Boone to study Marketing and Spanish, just like I want to.
But in that scenario, I'm leaving so much behind.
A small, but warm house- a home.
Parents that love me more than my tiny little hormone-enraged teenage brain can understand.
A hot meal every night.
Teachers that have literally molded me into who I am.
All the people that have watched turn from an annoying, loud little ankle-biter into the annoying, loud young man that I am today.
Worst case scenario, I didn't get in.
Crap.
I'm staying in Greensboro for at least another few months so I can transfer to app.
I can, at least for a while keep my home, and my hot meals and my loving parents, but all the while experiencing a feeling, however mortal that feeling may be, of being left behind.
feeling like all my peers, my classmates are going somewhere, moving on with their lives...and leaving me in the dust.
I keep having a nightmare of getting my ASU letter, opening it up with a mixed feeling of terror of the unknown, anticipation for the potential, and absolute horror of the worst.
I open up this envelope, and read aloud to all my friends and family members, "Congratulations! You have been granted acceptance to Appalachian State University!...April fools!"
I know this is entirely illogical, but I can't help believing it.
I dunno, I guess we'll cross all these bridges when we get there, but I can't help but feel uneasy.
This was supposed to be extremely short, contrasting to my other, very lengthy, overly-wordy posts in order to emphasize the gravity of my recent realization...but that didn't happen.
Oh well.

Peter Pan

So every one's telling us that we're at a crossroads in our lives.
Every thing's changing.
We're starting all new chapters in our lives.
It's exciting, terrifying, confusing and amazing all at the same time.
I don't even know what the heck a crossroads is, but it doesn't sound like something I want to do.
Throughout my childhood, I was so ready to be a grown-up, or at the very least a teenager.
Everything was going to be awesome.
I'd be able to drive, I'd have a smoking hot girlfriend, I'd be college-bound, if not already there, and everything would be easy, just like in my childhood, when my biggest concern and workload entailed finding the sickest hiding place for hide-and-go-seek.
But now that I'm here, it's not nearly so glamorous as it was in my daydreams.
My childhood fantasies never included struggling with drugs, alcohol, lust or my identity in Christ.
In my daydreams, I knew exactly who I was, and exactly who I wanted to be.
That's not the case, by any stretch of the imagination, now.
I want to go back to those days.
When my most difficult schoolwork was my times tables.
When I could spend the whole day organizing teams for the baseball battle royale that was supposed to go down at recess.
When the new "Pokemon" movie set to release in a few weeks was the biggest part of my life.
I want to go back to those days and be like peter pan; just never grow up.
I want to be a child forever.
No worries, no responsibilities.
It's pretty obvious that this teenage daydream is entirely illogical, as were my boyhood daydreams.
It's funny how we always seem to want something different from what we've already got.
As children, our number one desire is to be a "big kid" and then once we are a "big kid", we realize it's not all it's cracked up to be, and want our childhood innocence and naivety back.
We're never happy right here, right now.
Always either longing or nostalgic.
Maybe one day we'll learn to appreciate what God's given us today.
Where He's placed us and who He's made us, right here and right now.

Haven't Posted In a While...

I've had a lot going on the last few weeks.
Not even sure where to start or what I feel like writing about, right now.
School's kicking my butt.
I had a big scare the a few weeks back that I wouldn't pass two or three of my classes for the semester, which everyone knows can irreparably screw you over, as far as college admissions are considered.
So I've been taking care of that and managed to bring my grades up.
I still am going to have a D in AP English, but it's better than an F.
I don't know why I can't seem to do better in school.
Everybody says I'm way smarter than what my grades say, that I just don't apply myself fully.
I've been told that my entire life, in pretty much everything.
I can do better, I just don't try hard enough.
I'm not entirely sure what the heck that even means, but I guess it must be true, if so many different people have said it.
I don't know why I don't "apply myself".
Maybe I'm scared of what might happen if I do.
Maybe I've just become so used to playing the role of the fool or the average student, that I'm apprehensive to "fully apply myself", because I don't know what it will bring.
I don't know if I really am capable of better grades and whatnot.
I guess that's what worries me.
That I might give it my all and end up in the same place where I was before.
Or maybe that I will legitimately try, and people will realize that I truly am capable of better, and start to expect more and then I'll burn out and get tired of giving it 100% 24/7 and let them down.
I'm terrified of letting people down or disappointing people, including myself.
I get so frustrated when I try and can't do something that I just don't try as hard as I can, and tell people that I could do better, I just didn't feel like it.
I don't know.
I've been working like crazy, and I don't see that slowing down at all, anytime soon.
One girl, who was actually a lot of help- she showed up when she was on schedule, actually worked while she was there, and had no problem filling in for other people so I wasn't always the only one to have to do it- got fired because of some stupid argument with another girl that works there, but it happened outside of work.
So if anyone understands that logic any better than I do right now, please feel free to explain it to me.
Then we had one of our main waitresses evidently quit Thursday night, which I understand, because she's going to go be a nurse.
Cool.
Fine.
But she was on the schedule for last night, our busiest night of the week, when we had a reservation at 7:30, which i found out about at 7:00 for 21 people.
So it was Eddie, Mira, and myself, with the typical Friday night crowd plus 21 and another group of 10 that decided to drop in unannounced.
My job is, by far, the greatest source of stress in my life, but there really isn't anything I can do about it, when I'm at the bottom of the wait-staff totem pole, and people don't understand the concept of scheduling hours ahead of time, so we know who's working and who isn't.
The girl that was supposed to come in last night just never freaking called.
So we were waiting around all night, assuming she'd be a good person and show up.
I guess not.
I'm most definitely FREAKING out about college applications.
I originally got denied from UNCG because the Western Guilford High School Counseling Department decided to screw me over once again and report a bunch of my grades incorrectly.
So I had to basically re-apply to ASU and UNCG, re-submitting my transcripts and a bunch of letters of recommendation, explaining the absurd situation.
So that's over with, but now all I can do is sit around and wait for the schools to tell me if they want me to go there or not.
And I have no clue what I'm going to do, if they both say "No".
There's so much other stuff going on right now, but I either can't express in words what I actually want to say, or I'm too distracted with all this other nonsense that I can't even think of it.
There will probably be a part deux to this post, not sure though.
~Jaypee

Bro-Chill Cookout

So I guess it was back in October when Blake, Peej and I started a sort-of tradition of having an impromptu cookout in the church parking lot every couple Sunday afternoons.
They're always really awesome; we just chill, grill up some burgers and bratwursts, listen to a football game on the radio and hang out.
But yesterday was BY FAR the best one EVER.
At first I was kind of thinking it was going to suck because when we got to Harris Teeter with everyone to buy all the food, I looked around at all the dudes that were there, and it was a bunch of guys that never really hang out with each other, and so I thought it was going to be really awkward.
So we picked out everything that we wanted, headed up to the checkout line and created an absolute debacle trying to figure how to split $60 amongst eleven guys, when a few of them had either only a debit card or no cash at all.
But we finally figured it out and headed back to the church to get the cookout going.
The first few burgers were a little iffy, but they started turning out well, once we got into a groove.
I was working on polishing off the the last of the brats, when we heard the fire alarm for the church go off, turned around and saw Blake walking out the door with a look of absolute horror on his face.
Evidently the smoke from the grill had gotten into the air ducts and set off the alarm.
Some dudes (not firefighters) came by and told us to move the grill farther away from the intake, and we were all good.
Then some of the guys found a huge slingshot in the core room and started firing off our excess coca-cola cans with it.
I was on the phone with Alexis Arkfeld when I almost got nailed with one and let some choice words slip out. (Sorry Alexis!)
We decided to move it to the back parking lot to see just how far we could really launch these bad boys and when we ran out of soda cans, resorted to rocks, a shoe, some cupcakes and...a bottle of urine.
Spencer and I were the guys holding the slingshot when this particular load of vile ammunition was loaded into the slingshot.
Not once was either of us hit with a cupcake, soda can or even a rock.
But I got smacked in the arm with the bottle of my friends' pee.
Awesome.
We later found out that dumping the coals into a storm drain was a terrible idea because there Were dead leaves down there that are evidently highly flammable...whoops...
We got the fire put out, and all was right with the world again.
I think God really surprised me with the amount of brotherhood and fellowship that went on between this group of guys that ordinarily hardly ever talk to each other, and all-in-all, it was a really awesome cookout.
Time for school :(
Bye

The Future

I've been thinking a lot recently about my future and where I'm headed in life.
I haven't really accomplished much in doing this, because I have absolutely no clue as to what I want to do.
Okay, I want to go to app state to study marketing, but then what?
There are a million different directions in which one can go with a marketing degree.
Do I want to be a realtor?
Do I want to go into advertising?
Do I want to be some pencil-pushing mid-level marketing consultant for some major corporation that will provide plenty of financial stability and security, but will absolutely strip me of any sort of individuality at my job?
I have no idea.
And that's terrifying.
To not know what the heck you want to do.
Not even just in the context of my career, I have no clue what I'm going to do after I'm too old to Be a student at the core, but too young to be a leader.
It's kind of going to to suck.
The core has been the only place in my life where I've really felt at home, where I've really felt like everyone there truly cares about me.
some of the best friends I've ever had, I met at the core.
I don't know if it'll be easy for me to make friends at college, regardless of how many of mine are already planning on going to app, and no matter what they tell you, everyone is afraid that they won't be able to connect with anyone at their new school.
Like my last post, this one doesn't really have a point or even an ending.
There's no ending to this post because I wrote it out of confusion, just trying to get my jumbled thoughts in order.
Not sure if it really did that, but it's whatever.
I'm bored at school and had a lot on my mind that I needed to try and figure out.
There's also no end, because there isn't an end to the confusion and uncertainty that I seem to be experiencing.
whatever, help period is almost over.
Bye.

Lust

So I was chilling with some guys today that used to be in a band called "The Morning Amazing".
We used to play shows with them, back when i was in Lumberjack.
I got to thinking, and my mind meandered on over to this song of theirs, called, "The Blackest of Beards".
I'm posting a link with this, so you can read the lyrics.
This song has spoken to me so much, ever since I first heard it.
Not only is it an awesome-sounding song by some really great friends of mine, but it talks about lust and the damage that men do to women when we give into the temptation the Satan gives us to lust after who the media tells us is "beautiful".
This is something I've struggled with overwhelmingly for as long as i can remember.
Something i still struggle with on a daily basis, and something that affects and even sometimes invades every other aspect of my life.
It seems like every time I meet or see a female, I instantly judge her based on my ignorant, childish view of physical beauty.
It's almost become instinct now.
And that kills me.
It kills me when I see some of my most beloved female friends suffering and hurting because of some guy that has treated them poorly because of his own struggles with lust.
It kills me when I want to confront the guy about it, but can't because I know that I've pretty much done the exact same thing to other girls in the past.
It kills me when i want to speak out against lust and pornography but feel as though I'm in absolutely no place to do so, because I struggle with it daily.
It kills me when I struggle with Internet pornography and give in time after time to Satan as he tells me that I'm not good enough before and after I give in to lust.
He takes the difficulties that God places in my life in order to strengthen and empower me, and he twists and perverts them to make me feel like I have no choice but to give in and sin.
Not just to lust, but to do all kinds of the garbage that he throws my way.
He makes me feel like I'm too weak to resist his temptations and that things will be easier once I go ahead and surrender and get that out of my mind.
And then afterward, he makes me feel like I'm worthless.
Like I have no place leading other people to Christ and that I'm even unworthy of God's love.
And that takes such a toll after years and years.
But the thing is, that's exactly what he wants.
Because when I give in to that crap, the simple act of lusting or committing any type of sin, it certainly doesn't bring any sort of glory to God.
But also because I don't feel like I'm in any sort of place to even be worthy of being in the presence of God's love, and that makes me avoid prayer and digging into His awesome word, which is exactly where I should be in times like that.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say with this post.
This is a problem that I'm nowhere even close to solving, and it has been so difficult to write this, knowing that anyone in the world with Internet access could potentially see this and realize that I'm not nearly as perfect as I try to tell others and myself that I am, but I know that writing it will in some way bring glory to God, like when David let the entire nation of Israel know about his affair with Bathsheba and when he killed her husband.
His people saw that he wasn't perfect.
That he was a humble king, not some high-and-mighty dictator, and that glorified God in ways I couldn't even begin to comprehend.
I'm certainly not trying to compare myself with King David, and definitely not saying that I've raped and murdered people and that by posting this, it erases everything that I've done.
But God loves me, no matter what I do.
In ways I could never fully experience or understand.
And that's so comforting.
Good night.

A New Year, Many New Things To Come

A lot of people have been asking me if I'm okay, in reference to my previous post.
I'm great, I just had some stuff I needed to get off my chest.
Just to clarify- that wasn't about any one girl in particular, that was a lot of stuff that I've dealt with and done over the past several years, including the time before I knew Christ.
It was about several girls.
Every girl I've ever encountered, to be completely honest.
I think the reason that post shocked so many people is because we try to always act like we're okay; like we've got all our ducks in a row, and that every thing's under control.
I mean, that's what society tells us to do.
Especially as men, society has twisted our role as loving leaders to mean that we have to always act like we've got a plan, like we're going to fix everything and make it alright.
Just like women, we men face the albeit less damaging but still dangerous stereotypes that the media and society has told us we have to be.
They tell us we have to be the big strong dad that's always got the suit, tie and briefcase during the week, going to the office everyday to provide for and support the family, and over the weekend we don our jeans, flannel shirt and tool belt to go around the house with our honey-do lists fixing everything- making everything safer, more stable and generally better.
All of this is fine, until we start to obsess over these stereotypes and put every ounce of our being into fulfilling or even epitomizing these roles that we've been told our entire lives that we have to be.
And when we make it known that not everything is perfect, that we're not these big strong I-can-do-anything men, everyone goes into a panic.
This in addition to the fact that I'm not usually the serious guy.
I know good and well that I try to fulfill the role of the comic relief.
Whenever there's an awkward moment or something happens that I can't deal with, I try to laugh it off.
Or at least make everyone else laugh to try and cover up and distract them from the fact that I have no other defense against difficulty or emotions.
I'm always the guy that's in the back of the room at "cry-fest" on project serve that's joking it up or sleeping to distract myself from the people bearing their souls to each other because I don't know what I'd do if I let it get to me.
If I actually took the time to come up with a new year's resolution and stick with it, I guess it would be to be more honest, more real with people.
As I realize how much I value honesty in others, I realize more and more that I'm most certainly lacking in that department, because I'm afraid of what people might think of me, if they saw who I really was.
I use sarcasm and inappropriate humor to build these walls in between myself and my loved ones because I'm afraid of being rejected.
So I guess this year, I'll try to be more real with people.
And this will also reflect onto my blog.
I know those who have been following my blog (which is way more people than I initially thought, by the way) have enjoyed hearing about all the crazy things that happen to me everyday.
my stories about weird creepy old Latina ladies in Buicks and my mom's recent obsession with The Gorillaz, but from now on, my posts and my conversation in general will take a more serious tone.
I'll be more up-front with people about what's really going on inside my head and what God's telling me.
Don't fret, I'll still have crazy stuff happening to me that wouldn't in a million years happen to anyone else on the planet, and I'll post that stuff on here, but when God's really telling me something, I'll set down my stupid Americanized manly pride and be straight with you.
Well, per usual, I typed about thirty times more than I had originally anticipated, but it's whatever.
That's what happens on here.
I start writing and stuff just pours out.
I'm not sure if people even finish reading the stuff I post on here, because it's so long.
Haha.
Whatever, dude.
I got a bunch of crap to do for school tomorrow that I should have been doing over the entire break, but I put the "pro" in procrastinate...yeah, that was a really crappy joke, I know.
Buenas noches, amigos.

I Give Up

Whatever, dude.
I give up on the womenfolk.
Every time I try and start something with a lady friend, I usually end up screwing myself over in some way, shape or form.
I get too into her and she doesn't reciprocate and then I make it known to her that I'm interested and she tells me that she doesn't reciprocate and then it's awkward and then we have a short falling out which seems to suck for me a lot more than it does for her and I'm left standing there looking like an idiot.
Either that, or she was at one time interested and the window of opportunity opens and I don't have the balls to do anything about it, and then it shuts and I'm still there looking like an even bigger idiot.
It wouldn't be so bad if I had never been able to get things right.
But I was, believe it or not, at one time, somewhat not terrible when it came to women.
But now, for some reason, whenever I talk to one that I'm remotely interested in, I get all nervous and either make a fool out of myself, or I can't seem to even say a single word, and then it's really awkward.
and if I do somehow manage to not make a complete fool out of myself immediately, then one of the above situations happens.
And it sucks.
I'm done.
I'm done being rejected by any girl that isn't either mentally unstable or over 50 years old.
I'm done looking like an idiot.
I'm done making poor decisions with females.
I'm done missing opportunities.
But most of all, I'm done feeling inadequate because I, for some reason unknown to me, just can't seem to get things right with women.
No one needs that crap.
whatever, dude.
I'm just freaking done.
sorry if I bore/piss off/irritate anyone that's reading this, but I had some stuff I needed to get off my chest.